


Origin ideas for the trans-man-ciel AU

by Hawkbringer



Series: Never Show Weakness, Never Undress [1]
Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: F/M, M/M, Notes, Trans Male Character, background for the AU, even though this whole thing is glurgy and awful, i wrote a lot for it, so im gonna post it, so its okay, this essay is intended to give you background on my mental state, written by a trans man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 15:40:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23268502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hawkbringer/pseuds/Hawkbringer
Summary: A long stream-of-consciousness-style ramble on the background for the ciel-is-a-trans-man AU I wrote after reading one particularly uninspired girl-ciel-raised-as-a-boy fic. (Written early Jan, 2013, or earlier. Pre-movie, at any rate.)
Series: Never Show Weakness, Never Undress [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1673182
Kudos: 2





	Origin ideas for the trans-man-ciel AU

**Author's Note:**

> OK so I read a truly, astoundingly mediocre story on FF-net about Ciel being a girl raised as a boy. I reeeeeally feel like I could do a better job. These are my ideas.

There'd be an awful amount of pressure from the outside world to never waver - in Ciel's mind, at least, because he feels, certainly after 'that month' that he is not a fully-formed man, or something, and that any slip on his part will be seen as unforgivable by his power-obsessed peers - any wavering is checkmate, as he said. He'd be super-afraid that any of his rivals or pawns or whomever would find out that physically, he was not a full man. Ha! That partially explains canon-Ciel's dedication to his goals, kind of over-compensating for at his core, being 'weak,' an idea that would have been instilled in him from the rape/torture of being sacrificed to the Noble Beast. 

Now, a lot of how the story plays out will have to do with what Ciel's parents told him before the fire, at age 10. Were they stupid enough never to mention it? Did Ciel learn the ego-shattering truth that real men have penises when he got raped by a shit-load of them during and/or prior to the ceremony? Did chibi!Ciel see himself as a boy who was born with 'normal for a boy' genitals, a supposition which was then destroyed by 'that month'? 

Tanaka might totally have been in on it, and I really like to believe that there aren't any hidden depths to Tanaka, except maybe a tortured past (which all the characters but sebby seem to have in /this/ manga). Tanaka would have been normal about it, and if Ciel was super-sheltered, which was partly the point of raising him as a boy, and since Victorian England and nobility didn't discuss such things until marriage was imminent, he wouldn't have ever learned about that. Why would they teach a lil boy, pre-10 years old, about genitals and stuff? This is Victorian England! They did write a lot of porn, but 'officially' they were totes against talking about that.... That month would have fucked up the kid, either way. 

I suppose Ciel's mom might have told him, "God wanted you to be a boy, so we're treating you like one. Your body just doesn't happen to match." 'God made the body and the devil added the genitals' sort of thing. Huh. That makes an amazing amount of sense. Because then it would lead Ciel to summon a demon. Or, maybe - "the devil, (who is lord of the genitals and king of lust and so forth,) gave you the wrong genitals. All the rest of you is a boy [which, hell, Ciel could be intersex, actually], like God (and we) wanted. So we are acting in accordance with God's will. To defy the constraints of /your/ born-genitals is an act of defiance against the devil." 

I like that! So then when the members of a supposedly 'godly' religion fuck him blind, he has a shattering revelation that it's all backwards - no, that's too big a thing for a child to comprehend - it's that the cultists are going against his parents' wishes and are treating his genitals at face value. The godly thing to do is to defy the genitals, and these people are not being godly at all. Or perhaps Ciel realizes that they're worshipping the wrong god... hmm. This is pickle. What makes Ciel give up God and run full-force for a demon and sensuality? Well, it doesn't follow that Ciel /did/ run full force into sexuality, particularly after 'that month.' Hmm...that time of the month... 

10 is a little young to get your period, isn't it? I was 14... It's not unheard-of, I suppose. Possible. That during the culminating ceremony, the blood that dripped from his tormented orfice was not wholly due to rape-inspired injuries, but also her period? That would fuck up her psyche pretty bad. His psyche. I'd have to pick a pronoun, and I am most fond of he, because Ciel's primary motivation is being at odds with his genitals...

Laying with Sebastian made a sick and twisted kind of sense because despite his penchant for them, Ciel does not deal in dicks. Men have dicks, and he is supposed to be a man. He does not /have/ a dick, but this is the devil's fault. Not that the devil made him do it, precisely, but that the devil is lord of this kind of thing, so it only makes sense that the person who would/should be the only one to play with his 'wrong' genitals would be the devil himself. 

(the psychology of how Ciel comes to call on the Devil while being fucked 'for God')

Hm. Okay, but say it /was/ a sort of religious experience for Ciel, to be with those cultists and hear about cleanliness while being covered in filth and treated like shit. Say he does extrapolate ridiculously far, because he's like, fuckin, 10 at this point, yeah? Just barely ten. I was in fourth grade when I was ten, and my other peers thought talking about puberty and shit was disgusting. So Ciel over-extrapolates and decides that his parents were wrong, but only on a few points - the ones that are convenient for this story/Ciel's sanity - the cultists are covering him in filth and say that the only good thing about him, why they need him instead of another little boy, is because of his 'wrong' genitals, because God is fucked up, and wants to desecrate what He did not make. But then, if it's fucked up, why would He /want/ it? Urgh. See, the logic and psychology of this is difficult. But i know it can be made to make sense. 

So the cultists are really standing in for God, and He covets Ciel's genitals and wants to cover him in filth and disrespect him and ignore his pleas - The Devil basically is lord of /his genitals/, his parents told him, the Devil managed to get the upper hand against God in that particular small instance/facet of his creation, and Ciel remembers that as he is groped and prodded by long, stiff organs that /he/ doesn't have - doesn't think anyone should have because they're disgusting - that the ones who are speaking words he remembers from church are attempting to muscle in on what is, strictly speaking, the Devil's territory. 

The words that he hears as he's getting raped and covered in shit, are the words he remembers from the Bible, from the services, if he went to any. (1880's, status of the Anglican church and attendance rates by nobles. Research that?) 

Lizzie would have gone. Lizzie would have loved the stained glass and the dressing up and the heavenly-sounding hymn-singing and Ciel would have tried hard to be good and free of sin and stuff - till the month when he learned that was impossible. That he is made of sin, to the core, because these cultists, who are representing God, are shitting all over him, literally and figuratively, so God hates him, because God failed to make him perfect (God is kind of a jealous asshole, as Ciel would have learned had he paid attention to the four-men-in-the-furnace story with the angel), because the Devil won a tiny victory. 

So Ciel reasons that the Devil would probably like him, since his genitals (and, ergo, his whole self) were the Devil's triumph. The Devil would respect him. So he /decides/ that he isn't going to get over what they did to him, he decides to throw himself into the muck and see what that gets him, since, clearly, God's doing nothing to save him, because He hates Ciel, so maybe the Devil will love him, right? 

Ewwww, what if the purists heard from Ciel's church about him and that's how the picked him for the sacrifice?? Or maybe just one of the nobles Ciel knew from the church, stopped going after a few years and branched off, joined this cult, and Ciel remembers him and immediately connects the purists and his church and is like -eyes fly open- holy fuck, the church is trying to covet my genitals. That's screwed up. My genitals do not belong to the church. But of course they would want to desecrate them, being the devil's territory.... 

So he feels, almost, Catholic-ly guilty for a bit, until he decides one day, sitting in his cage, that if this is what he gets for trying to be good, it may be in his best interests to do wrong. 

/Maybe /God/ wants them to cover me in shit and rags and stench and fuck me, but /I/ don't want them to! If my genitals determine how much /this/ God respects all the rest of me, perhaps the /Devil/ will respect me more! Devil, come! Protect your territory!!/ (Basically, /God may want this for me, but I don't./) 

His first act of defiance is to carve his own path, get what he wants, irrespective of what any larger fates have planned for him. He does not /want/ long life and promotion, as he explains the process to Abberline. He does /not/ want to be safe. 

He is aware that God, or the Queen, or someone, will destroy him if he is a pawn that does not obey its master, but he is willing to be removed from the board entirely if it means he can have everything he wants, for a very short time. 

So he'd have a death-wish, a death-expectation, really, from the moment he calls on Sebastian. Tanaka's diary, explaining how Vincent knew about his impending death, would only cement Ciel's certainty that he is going to die for the choice he made - to be free and do what he wants, for a very short period of time.

**Author's Note:**

> Now that you have my idea-file essentially lore-dumped into one document with minimal editing, please enjoy the actual fic entries. Note: Several details about the cultists and their religious motives have been jossed, and that's to be expected - it's been literally like at least 7 years.


End file.
